The best thing about journals: reading them years later and realizing how much you've changed----or haven't.

Last entry: July 21st 2009 and I'm in the identical situation I was more than a year ago today. At the same time reading more from my blog I see just how much has changed----within me, as a person. It's sad irony I guess.

I have never felt more alone in my entire life.

I have bottled up 99% of every feeling I have ever had throughout my life. It's only been recently when I finally started to let it out and be honest... But I guess the 'true me' was just "too much" to handle. I've lost everyone because of it.

I'm not sure if I should feel sad that the 'true me' is that terrible, or if my so-called "best friends" aren't really "best" after all, or if I should just be disgusted with myself and sad that it's officially better TO keep things bottled up (which is what everyone says you shouldn't do).

I'm so lost but so numb.

I'm so fucking tired of crying all the time and having no one to really talk to. Not that I really want to talk to anyone in the first place but just knowing someone cares is nice. Sometimes that's all you fucking need.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so tired of having days like this, where I wonder why the hell I'm even bothering living.

It's really time for me to start organising and living my life. I feel like I'm on automatic, just cruising by, not living or experiencing anything that's happening around me even though I respond to it all. It's a weird feeling and I'm too young to be like this. I should be at the top of my game but I'm not and I'm only going to get worse as I get older, which terrifies me. I keep saying this same thing and days keep going by with no change. I don't know what I'm waiting for... I need to get serious. Life is too short.

It... was actually the best day I've had in a long, long time. Week to be completely honest... I'm too tired to write about it but I thought I'd record at least that much before bed --- not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

I don't want to be here. I literally can barely cry anymore but i'm so numb. Hearing my mom cry all night last night is eating away at me. I can't imagine losing someone so close who was such a good guy without even knowing WHY. I hope things are better once we know. I feel so fucking bad for her.

I'm just... numb. I found out Monday after work that Uncle nick died. Words cannot express how bad I feel for my mom, and how much I regret not talking to him more online and being there for his last visit. I've cried so much I don't know if it's possible for me to cry more... And this had to happen THIS weekend----probably the worst timing ever. Breakdown, death, then period starts and drama at work... What else could happen? No, I don't want to say that because something worse COULD happen and I can't even think about it right now. I just can't deal with anything else. Work and stupid preoccupations are the only things that STOP me from crying so I'm trying to keep it that way.

Jesus, I feel so bad for my momma. I can't even imagine what she's going through. I didn't even know Nick that well (I did but it's hard to "know" someone when they live so far away) but I loved him so much. He was such a wonderful, funny, warm, good guy. It's just not fair. He was only fucking 52.

Maybe this'll be easier once we know how he died... I hope it had something to do with the cancer so it's not so fucking horrible. That at least would make SENSE. I can't stand things that could have been prevented, and I need something in my life to make sense right now.

God dammit I can't cry anymore but this is one of the first death's I've ever had to deal with----it IS the first death I've had to deal with as an adult----and I know I'm just getting a taste of what's to come in my future, so I had to say something. I can't even talk about it to anyone (I break down) so this is as good as it gets.